1. What I Fucked Up: Trying to send an eloquent closure email.

    My formative years were spent writing thinly veiled “poems” about my life on my AIM profile. That’s probably why when someone breaks up with me, rather than letting him move on, I decide I am going to send him ONE FINAL MESSAGE. Some profound piece of writing that will make him really reflect.


    In my mind, this will accomplish two things:

    1. My eloquence and reflective nostalgia will make him realize he’s made a HUGE mistake in ending it.

    2. My maturity and aloof attitude will show him he’s totally not breaking my heart.


    So when a coworker I’d been seeing (yeah, that’s a whole separate fuck-up) told me he was “suddenly unsure of us,” I felt I had an opportunity, nay, a responsibility, to compose an email to this man.

    Dear ________,

    I truly appreciate your honesty, though I have to say, I think you are over-thinking everything. Personally I’ve been trying to just do what’s fun. Up until now I’ve had a lot of fun with you—I loved marathon-ing Star Wars, I liked meeting/drinking with your friends, and I was pretty psyched about introducing you to Thai food. But it’s not fun if you’re not into it. I’m just confused because you still seemed so interested two weeks ago when you invited me to meet your parents. But if you don’t know what you want, I guess there’s nothing I can really do. You just have to find it. There’s a reason I haven’t done the “exclusive dating” thing for a while and it’s because I don’t want to settle. I would much rather be single than date someone whose esteem for me is unsure or fickle. So, of course I’m disappointed that things didn’t continue like they did at first, I’m sad because I do think there is/was a lot of lost potential, and I’m frankly a little frustrated because I think just hanging out would have made things better (maybe even better than before). But if you’re unsure, let’s not waste either of our time and we can just say we’re done. I’ll see you at work and I’ll be your friend to a certain extent, but I’m going to go back to dating other people. Continuing to see you right now would be bad for both of us. In the meantime I hope you figure out what you want and maybe sometime in the future we’ll see how things are rather than trying to force it now. See you around (oh wait, we work together, see you in exactly 12 hours haha).

    Sincerely and fondly,



    Finally, a response appeared:

    Word. Word to all. We cool?

    And with that completely asinine six word response, he’d won. That’s when I realized that writing pseudo-poetic closure emails doesn’t work. Because if someone is breaking up with you, they probably don’t give a shit. Fumbling for what was left of my pride, I sent him a final response:

    yea gurl. respect.

    It didn’t help.


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    For Valentine’s Day, here’s a romantic story from What I Fucked Up. Yay I’m bad at boys.
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