1. What I Fucked Up: Teaching my 7-year-old cousin what a blowjob was.

    Before you call Chris Hansen based on the title of this story, you should know that when this happened I was also a child. But unlike most 10-year-olds, I knew a lot about sex (though I insisted on calling it “S-E-X”). Not because I had two older brothers, but because I watched TV. As a toddler, I would sit in my mom’s bedroom and watch Saturday Night Live, not understanding the jokes but loving it anyway.  With enough time and after-school access to cable, I learned all about “lesbians,” “blue balls,” and “tossing a salad.” 

    The Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky incident was in full swing and I was very frustrated because I didn’t understand what everyone was so worked up about. What was this “fellatio”? Why were adults whispering about it and not answering my questions?  Then, fate intervened. Channel surfing one afternoon, I found a comedy segment premised around explaining the scandal to kids. Chris Rock was dressed as a clown and used balloons to demonstrate before being cut off by the host. I’d love to someday meet Chris Rock and inform him that his kids show parody on blowjobs actually impacted at least one child. I’m sure that was his dream. 

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    Suddenly, I understood what the adults were talking about. It became my duty to explain the concept to every child I encountered. Not only was I instantly in a position of power and could totally blow their minds (eh? Eh?) but I could also prevent anyone else from being confused by this thing all the grownups were discussing. The other 5th graders needed me—they didn’t know anything about sucking dicks! So when my aunt and family came to town, I knew my little cousins required enlightening.

    Unlike my mother, who took a very laissez-faire approach to parenting, my aunt was determined to deliberately craft perfect children. As such, my cousins were not allowed to watch television, they had never owned a video game, and soda was a foreign, forbidden commodity. They were like the Amish, but without any useful skills like barn-raising.

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    When I thought the grownups had gone to bed, I led my female cousin into the living room and we started whispering and gossiping. I asked her if she liked any boys. She said yes, a kid named Chris. “Ooh… So do you want to give Chris a blowjob?” I asked, knowing it would confuse her. She took the bait. “What’s that?” she inquired. I explained all about it, sprinkling in the Presidential scandal so she’d know it was a real thing and not something I’d made up. After another 5 minutes of whispering, my aunt appeared and ushered us back to bed with a stony face. Fear gripped me. While I was eager to know everything about sex, I also knew I wasn’t supposed to know any of it. That was part of the whole appeal.

    Sure enough the next day my mother and aunt called me privately into a room for a serious talking to. They were not at all amused by my professorial turn. Much to my aunt’s dismay, I couldn’t be grounded because that didn’t even exist as a concept in my mom’s house. However, for the next 7 years I was never allowed to be alone around those cousins again. Supposedly, I was a “bad influence.”

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    Then again, when I was next alone with that cousin, I helped her lie about her age and hook up with one of my older friends. And later on, I might have possibly enabled some underage drinking. Oops. I’m going to be a great mother someday.  

     


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